The Real Me

So about a year ago I made a life changing decision, I took a bible study, Making Peace With Your Past. This study was a very big eye opener for me.

Let me start by telling you that I grew up in a christian home. We were always in church and very active. I didn't know what it was like not to be there. But just because I grew up knowing who Christ was from day one does not mean that we did not have some dysfunction in our family.

I'm sure you are thinking; what if your family reads this? I'm okay with that. See I am learning that the only way to recover form the past is to face the past. So I am here today to do that.

Though I learned about God at an early age, I have always had a hard time accepting who I was in Him. I never saw my self as worthy, princess or even His daughter. I just told myself,"how could He love someone like me?" The main reason for that thought, my mom was not the most positive person. She may not remember but she made a lot of negative comments about my weight even when I was not big. Through summers spent with great friends (who let me eat whatever I wanted, thanks John and Annett) to high school when I stayed very active. I didn't feel that I measured up to her expectations.

Please hear me, I love my mom very much! I just have a lot that I need to overcome to know that I know that I know, I am beautiful to God no matter what. That is where Making Peace With Your Past comes in. It help me break down the dysfunction in my mind and understand that it wasn't my fault. But I also couldn't blame my mom either. See, we can't blame someone for treating us that way when they grew up that way. I come from a long line of depressed women. My great grandmother dealt with breast cancer during the depression (no money) so I would say she probably suffered from Depression. She raised my grandmother through all of that. Then my grandmother, Rachel, became a single mom when my mother was about 2. My grandfather was not a nice man I learned later. So, she had to deal with raising a daughter on her own, working full time in public school, and helping out on the farm. If she didn't get stressed, depressed or anxious it would surprise me. Then my mom grew up and had my brother and I. She has admitted to that she suffered from depression when I was younger. I believe that she has always dealt with it. Then I grew up. Once God gave me great friends to help me through some challenges in my life, I learned that I suffered from depression. Do you see the cycle or even the curse that the women in my family have dealt with?

It had to stop! I got the help that some told me I didn't need because of the 'drugs' I was putting into my body, but my true friends told me that I would be a much better person getting it under control. So, thats what I did. Then I got pregnant! Exciting day for me to find out and scary too. See because I had already been dealing with depression for two years and taking meds for one year, I was unsure of what to expect. I tried coming off the medication during my pregnancy but it did not make me a nice person. So, I stayed on them and had two children through all of the medication. I know that I am a better wife, mom, friend and overall person when I'm on my medicine.

I did what my mom couldn't do. I choose to do whatever it took to make me a better person. See I remember my mom sleeping while I waited for the bus by myself at 6 years old. I remember dressing myself for school and fixing my breakfast without her. I know she doesn't remember all of those things and I'm okay with that. I just knew that I did not want that for my kids. I broke the chain of depression by tackling it head on. I took the Making Peace class so help me understand my childhood and to know God doesn't blame me for anything. God wants me to use my experiences to help others overcome the family history and curse.

So, this is the start of the real me. I hope that it all makes since because I can get my words to paper but I can't make the sentences look right. So don't judge my grammar, HaHa! Please send me fed back, I would love to hear what's on your mind.

Thanks, Jenn

PS: more real stuff to come.